the last blog of Spring. dedicated to all of Earth's Satellites.

Home:
where my thought's escaping
where my music's playing
where my love lies waiting
silently for me...

(everyday's an endless stream of cigarettes and magazines and each town looks the same to me the movies and the factories and every stranger's face I see reminds me that I long to be... long to be, reminding me, endlessly... homeward bound...)

hang in there, rookies. :)

Red Rubber Ball- lyrics modified with the permission of the lyricist, who happens to be an old lover.

You should have known I'd bid you farewell.
There's a lesson to be learned from this
and you learned it very well

Now you know I'm not
the only starfish in the sea.
If you never hear my name again
it's all the same to you.

I never cared for secrets you'd confide.
For me you're just an ornament,
Something for my pride.

Always running, never caring,
That's the life I live.
Stolen minutes of my time
were all I had to give.

The story's in the past with nothing to recall.
You've got your life to live and you
don't need me at all.
The roller coaster ride we took is
nearly at an end.
You bought your ticket with your tears,
that's all you're gonna spend.

And I hope it's gonna be all right.
Yeah, the worst is over now,
The morning sun is shining like a Red Rubber Ball.

everything comes together at once. love you, Aunt Su :)

and once again that time
i feel
my head and eyes
they dont agree
my head
and my body
body, head, mind-soul-brain
pick me up, put be back, put me back
together again.
im a jigsaw that only makes sense to you.
twirl the silver on my finger
imagine what it would be like
to taste the
the rain, again.
break me up, pack me up, take me away
smash and start again.
only you could smash me to peices agian.
what would you say to
her, if she were 75
hairline fracture down her thigh?
would you hold her hand
tell her, honey
you're still lovely
are you watching her, from whever you stand?
at 75, to have someone hold you hand.
someone to smash you down to peices
and them put them together again...
and only you, only you knowing
only you can
fractured mind, body, heart, head, hairline, soul...
come back, come here, come on
wont you make me whole
again?

...and its the same story everywhere, all over the place. why women stick with men, despite the beatings, and the abuses and the crap. because just when shes got her hand on the door, he'll touch her. he'll beg and plead and go down on his knees in violent passion, swear if she walks out that door he'll die, he'll simply die. and he will. and just out of decency, out of sheer decency, because she does care, she'll put her dreams on hold for him. a woman loves only when she wants to, when its safe. she can fake it to the point of convincing herself. and in all this terible lie that we live there is no love, only support. only sacrifice, and commitment. the shackles of passion that a man puts on a woman may be made of gold... but theyre still shackles. and she never really cared for gold, anyway. it's the story of my mother, my grandmother... and me, next.

walk like heaven... run like hell.

do you think Evolution is a plausible way to explain the universe as it exists today?
do you think Evolution undermines the power of or does away with the idea of God?
have you studied/ researched the process of evolution?
(why not? we study creationism before we enter a forum of argument with you... you make it compulsory for everyone in this institution to read Harun Yahya (www.evolutiondeceit.com), why don’t you make it compulsory for everyone to read the blind watchmaker? is the language too technical and high-flown? would you rather have people read the evasive and very often contradictory script of your Islamic textbooks? I must be losing my mind- are you blind?)

i think one of the major causes of disagreement is that creationists... or just about any follower of organized religions... would agree that the main proof of God is that He created Order out of Disorder, coherence out of chaos. God created a system that works.
then again, it depends on what you consider "working" to be. anyone who has studied physics or chemistry at any level knows about the second law of thermodynamics that basically states that the universe tends towards chaotic activity, which is ultimately what the measure of entropy is all about. so, apparently, the universe tends towards a state of complete anarchy- some say it is already in a state of complete anarchy, and that the seeming, temporary "order" of anything is just a blip on the probabilistic map of general randomness.
i mean, at one point in time i suppose it was ok to look at a leaf and admire God in His infinite wisdom, to have provided the leaf with stomata, palisade, spongy mesophyll, the works. and to look at a dolphin and admire the fact that its blood has a high percentage of myoglobin that allows it to stay underwater for extended periods. but leaves and dolphins are dying. their beautiful, elegant structures are no match for even more simple molecules such as CFCs, radioactive substance and toxic waste. the "natural" world is no match for the destruction being caused by the work of one species. is this species "unnatural"? simply put, we're burning out. so what’s so "orderly" about the world anyway, that all it took was one species to wipe it out? it’s beautiful, of course, but so, so fragile.
i guess the world is not immortal. just like our cells and our bones grow old, start dying without replacement, the world grows old too... and that split second of something "happening"- what we like to call the Big Bang... deteriorates into chaos. black holes fragment everything into primordial "goo", out of which- who knows?- maybe another world will be created. maybe the goo will remain for a few billion years and the cycle will repeat.
so what is God? and why do we try to save anything, if there simply is no hope?
because we're human. because ultimately, man created the concept of God, and stuck to it. and man decided that look: we have uselessly weak limbs, no tail, we're so vunerable its like being a bald monkey; highly developed hands and an obscenely large brain that is so perfectly useless that even ten percent doesnt know what to do with itself, so man created Thought. and Wisdom. and Ethics, Law, Values, and Suffering. and all this was so ‘hegemonically’ predominant that we didnt think twice about believing in any of it.
and the funny bit is, belief in God is the ultimate hegemony. its what makes us human. we cant really go beyond that. so existencialsts idiots who talk about Life as if they were somehow detached from it are basically wasting everyones time, including their own. just becuase you may have an idea of what it means to be human doesnt make you any less human. so youd better get used to the whole idea... belief in God, suffering, trying, scraping a living, work buy eat die. and yeah, its worth it. my conscience is too deeply ingrained with the language of good and bad, of heaven and hell, of love, fear, power, existence.
i think it boils down to this- yes, maybe on a large scale things DONT really matter. but we're not a part of that large scale- or conscious existence is a mere 80 years, if we're lucky. coming here, we realise that we're all in the same boat- whether we're good or bad doesnt make as much difference in a realm that we're not so sure about as it does in a realm we are sure about- now. if i kill, it wont haunt me after im dead- itll haunt me now. and if i dont try to make things better for other people, to do my part to ease someones suffering, i wont regret it later, ill regret it now. and God is someone i like talking to about these little things, so sue me.
and religion isnt opium for the masses... unfortunately, its a lot more like oxygen. you can hold your breath ‘till you turn blue, but what are you proving anyway?
sigh.. its ok, jaan. itll be over soon. and if it helps, you can talk to me about it.
a great philosopher once wrote about Gods Final Message to His Creation (God has to be a He, somehow. has to be human, and since we still cling to Aristotlean veiws that testosterone=rationality, the human must be a He. and the great gender bias in religion goes on... MAN this and MAN that. huMAN. woMAN. HIStory. MANkind. all those male prophets. how everyone thinks the holy books were addressed to men. but anyway, god had to be huMAN. i mean, who would you rather talk to about these things- a cat? (would it help if you named the cat 'the Lord'? :) ))
sorry. huge digression. so... Gods final message : "we apologize for the inconvenience".
id give a small, albeit tired, grin. no problem, yaar- all good. it was great while it lasted. and you were so much fun to talk to, seriously.

addicted- to life, love, beauty, morals, faith, ideals, suffering, trying, striving.
and im not even trying to quit. Existencialists exist. I prefer to live.

todays bone of contention is this phenomena of "chick-lit". "chi-clit". ahan.
as if i didnt have enough issues with "womens" studies and "womens" literature. point is- when will we learn to take ourselves seriously? whats the use of being educated, when you cant go beyond language and worldveiws, out into the realm of "gendered social consructs", and then proceed to decontruct the whole damn thing?
dont ask me whats so annoying about calling someone a "chick". its something that so basic, its difficult to articulate. and to capitalise on it, make it an institution, a bloody career (www.chilcklit.us... Mills and Boon- "chick fic") aarrgh!! spare us your cutesey catch phrases, will you?! i mean, "chick fic"!!! as opposed to what- "dick-fic"? just like Bridget Jone's Diary went form a "chick fic" book to a "chick flick", im going to start calling everything that stars Vin Deisel, The Rock and skimpily clad girls as "DICK flicks". stop cringing. its no less insulting.

finally... just to keep the cow supply in abundance, i like to visit the Fox News website, every now and then. interesting little slogans there, too... these are the guys who gave us the all-time favorite "WAR ON TERRORISM", after all.
so do we call it "Elections 2004"? nahh... too boring. get me something catchier, Bob. alright... hows "You Decide- 2004"? oooh, nice... freedom! liberty! justice! equality! America rocks, man! yeah!

"This moment in Iraq is a moment of truth," Kerry said. "Not just for this administration, the country, the Iraqi people, but for the world. This may be our last chance to get this right. We need to put pride aside to build a stable Iraq. We must reclaim our country's standing in the world by doing what has kept America safe and made it more secure before — leading in a way that brings others to us so that we are respected, not simply feared, around the globe."
-http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,118621,00.html

"One year later, despite many challenges, life for the Iraqi people is a world away from the cruelty and corruption of Saddam's regime," said Mr Bush.
He said Iraqis' "daily life is improving" with more widespread electricity, a stable currency, schools and clinics renovated and reopened and basic infrastructure being rebuilt.
But the president also said: "On the ground in Iraq, we have serious and continuing challenges.
"Illegal militias and remnants of the regime, joined by foreign terrorists, are trying to take by force the power they could never gain by the ballot. These groups have found little support among the Iraqi people."
He said the US-led coalition would "ensure an atmosphere of security" for the handover of limited power on June 30.
"Our coalition supports the efforts of local Iraqis to negotiate the disarmament of the radicals in Fallujah. We've also made it clear that militias in Najaf and elsewhere must disarm or face grave consequences.
"American and coalition forces are in place, and we are prepared to enforce order in Iraq."
He said the transfer of power, which is being worked out by UN special envoy Lakhdar Brahimi, was the second element of the US strategy.
"As the transfer of sovereignty approaches on June 30th, we are likely to see more violence from groups opposed to freedom.
"We will not be intimidated or diverted. On July 1st, and beyond, our reconstruction and military commitment will continue."
Without mentioning the heavy toll suffered in April, which was more than the 109 troops killed during the invasion, Mr Bush said that US forces were "sacrificing greatly".
"Families of the brave troops who have fallen must know that their loss is not in vain. We will finish our work in Iraq, because the stakes for our country and the world are high.
"The failure of Iraqi democracy would embolden terrorists around the globe, increase dangers to the American people, and extinguish the hopes of millions in the Middle East.
"The success of Iraqi democracy would send forth the news, from Damascus to Tehran, that freedom can be the future of every nation."
-http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au

yeah. Decide. Choice. yay.