the last blog of Spring. dedicated to all of Earth's Satellites.

Home:
where my thought's escaping
where my music's playing
where my love lies waiting
silently for me...

(everyday's an endless stream of cigarettes and magazines and each town looks the same to me the movies and the factories and every stranger's face I see reminds me that I long to be... long to be, reminding me, endlessly... homeward bound...)

hang in there, rookies. :)

Red Rubber Ball- lyrics modified with the permission of the lyricist, who happens to be an old lover.

You should have known I'd bid you farewell.
There's a lesson to be learned from this
and you learned it very well

Now you know I'm not
the only starfish in the sea.
If you never hear my name again
it's all the same to you.

I never cared for secrets you'd confide.
For me you're just an ornament,
Something for my pride.

Always running, never caring,
That's the life I live.
Stolen minutes of my time
were all I had to give.

The story's in the past with nothing to recall.
You've got your life to live and you
don't need me at all.
The roller coaster ride we took is
nearly at an end.
You bought your ticket with your tears,
that's all you're gonna spend.

And I hope it's gonna be all right.
Yeah, the worst is over now,
The morning sun is shining like a Red Rubber Ball.

everything comes together at once. love you, Aunt Su :)

and once again that time
i feel
my head and eyes
they dont agree
my head
and my body
body, head, mind-soul-brain
pick me up, put be back, put me back
together again.
im a jigsaw that only makes sense to you.
twirl the silver on my finger
imagine what it would be like
to taste the
the rain, again.
break me up, pack me up, take me away
smash and start again.
only you could smash me to peices agian.
what would you say to
her, if she were 75
hairline fracture down her thigh?
would you hold her hand
tell her, honey
you're still lovely
are you watching her, from whever you stand?
at 75, to have someone hold you hand.
someone to smash you down to peices
and them put them together again...
and only you, only you knowing
only you can
fractured mind, body, heart, head, hairline, soul...
come back, come here, come on
wont you make me whole
again?

...and its the same story everywhere, all over the place. why women stick with men, despite the beatings, and the abuses and the crap. because just when shes got her hand on the door, he'll touch her. he'll beg and plead and go down on his knees in violent passion, swear if she walks out that door he'll die, he'll simply die. and he will. and just out of decency, out of sheer decency, because she does care, she'll put her dreams on hold for him. a woman loves only when she wants to, when its safe. she can fake it to the point of convincing herself. and in all this terible lie that we live there is no love, only support. only sacrifice, and commitment. the shackles of passion that a man puts on a woman may be made of gold... but theyre still shackles. and she never really cared for gold, anyway. it's the story of my mother, my grandmother... and me, next.

walk like heaven... run like hell.

do you think Evolution is a plausible way to explain the universe as it exists today?
do you think Evolution undermines the power of or does away with the idea of God?
have you studied/ researched the process of evolution?
(why not? we study creationism before we enter a forum of argument with you... you make it compulsory for everyone in this institution to read Harun Yahya (www.evolutiondeceit.com), why don’t you make it compulsory for everyone to read the blind watchmaker? is the language too technical and high-flown? would you rather have people read the evasive and very often contradictory script of your Islamic textbooks? I must be losing my mind- are you blind?)

i think one of the major causes of disagreement is that creationists... or just about any follower of organized religions... would agree that the main proof of God is that He created Order out of Disorder, coherence out of chaos. God created a system that works.
then again, it depends on what you consider "working" to be. anyone who has studied physics or chemistry at any level knows about the second law of thermodynamics that basically states that the universe tends towards chaotic activity, which is ultimately what the measure of entropy is all about. so, apparently, the universe tends towards a state of complete anarchy- some say it is already in a state of complete anarchy, and that the seeming, temporary "order" of anything is just a blip on the probabilistic map of general randomness.
i mean, at one point in time i suppose it was ok to look at a leaf and admire God in His infinite wisdom, to have provided the leaf with stomata, palisade, spongy mesophyll, the works. and to look at a dolphin and admire the fact that its blood has a high percentage of myoglobin that allows it to stay underwater for extended periods. but leaves and dolphins are dying. their beautiful, elegant structures are no match for even more simple molecules such as CFCs, radioactive substance and toxic waste. the "natural" world is no match for the destruction being caused by the work of one species. is this species "unnatural"? simply put, we're burning out. so what’s so "orderly" about the world anyway, that all it took was one species to wipe it out? it’s beautiful, of course, but so, so fragile.
i guess the world is not immortal. just like our cells and our bones grow old, start dying without replacement, the world grows old too... and that split second of something "happening"- what we like to call the Big Bang... deteriorates into chaos. black holes fragment everything into primordial "goo", out of which- who knows?- maybe another world will be created. maybe the goo will remain for a few billion years and the cycle will repeat.
so what is God? and why do we try to save anything, if there simply is no hope?
because we're human. because ultimately, man created the concept of God, and stuck to it. and man decided that look: we have uselessly weak limbs, no tail, we're so vunerable its like being a bald monkey; highly developed hands and an obscenely large brain that is so perfectly useless that even ten percent doesnt know what to do with itself, so man created Thought. and Wisdom. and Ethics, Law, Values, and Suffering. and all this was so ‘hegemonically’ predominant that we didnt think twice about believing in any of it.
and the funny bit is, belief in God is the ultimate hegemony. its what makes us human. we cant really go beyond that. so existencialsts idiots who talk about Life as if they were somehow detached from it are basically wasting everyones time, including their own. just becuase you may have an idea of what it means to be human doesnt make you any less human. so youd better get used to the whole idea... belief in God, suffering, trying, scraping a living, work buy eat die. and yeah, its worth it. my conscience is too deeply ingrained with the language of good and bad, of heaven and hell, of love, fear, power, existence.
i think it boils down to this- yes, maybe on a large scale things DONT really matter. but we're not a part of that large scale- or conscious existence is a mere 80 years, if we're lucky. coming here, we realise that we're all in the same boat- whether we're good or bad doesnt make as much difference in a realm that we're not so sure about as it does in a realm we are sure about- now. if i kill, it wont haunt me after im dead- itll haunt me now. and if i dont try to make things better for other people, to do my part to ease someones suffering, i wont regret it later, ill regret it now. and God is someone i like talking to about these little things, so sue me.
and religion isnt opium for the masses... unfortunately, its a lot more like oxygen. you can hold your breath ‘till you turn blue, but what are you proving anyway?
sigh.. its ok, jaan. itll be over soon. and if it helps, you can talk to me about it.
a great philosopher once wrote about Gods Final Message to His Creation (God has to be a He, somehow. has to be human, and since we still cling to Aristotlean veiws that testosterone=rationality, the human must be a He. and the great gender bias in religion goes on... MAN this and MAN that. huMAN. woMAN. HIStory. MANkind. all those male prophets. how everyone thinks the holy books were addressed to men. but anyway, god had to be huMAN. i mean, who would you rather talk to about these things- a cat? (would it help if you named the cat 'the Lord'? :) ))
sorry. huge digression. so... Gods final message : "we apologize for the inconvenience".
id give a small, albeit tired, grin. no problem, yaar- all good. it was great while it lasted. and you were so much fun to talk to, seriously.

addicted- to life, love, beauty, morals, faith, ideals, suffering, trying, striving.
and im not even trying to quit. Existencialists exist. I prefer to live.

todays bone of contention is this phenomena of "chick-lit". "chi-clit". ahan.
as if i didnt have enough issues with "womens" studies and "womens" literature. point is- when will we learn to take ourselves seriously? whats the use of being educated, when you cant go beyond language and worldveiws, out into the realm of "gendered social consructs", and then proceed to decontruct the whole damn thing?
dont ask me whats so annoying about calling someone a "chick". its something that so basic, its difficult to articulate. and to capitalise on it, make it an institution, a bloody career (www.chilcklit.us... Mills and Boon- "chick fic") aarrgh!! spare us your cutesey catch phrases, will you?! i mean, "chick fic"!!! as opposed to what- "dick-fic"? just like Bridget Jone's Diary went form a "chick fic" book to a "chick flick", im going to start calling everything that stars Vin Deisel, The Rock and skimpily clad girls as "DICK flicks". stop cringing. its no less insulting.

finally... just to keep the cow supply in abundance, i like to visit the Fox News website, every now and then. interesting little slogans there, too... these are the guys who gave us the all-time favorite "WAR ON TERRORISM", after all.
so do we call it "Elections 2004"? nahh... too boring. get me something catchier, Bob. alright... hows "You Decide- 2004"? oooh, nice... freedom! liberty! justice! equality! America rocks, man! yeah!

"This moment in Iraq is a moment of truth," Kerry said. "Not just for this administration, the country, the Iraqi people, but for the world. This may be our last chance to get this right. We need to put pride aside to build a stable Iraq. We must reclaim our country's standing in the world by doing what has kept America safe and made it more secure before — leading in a way that brings others to us so that we are respected, not simply feared, around the globe."
-http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,118621,00.html

"One year later, despite many challenges, life for the Iraqi people is a world away from the cruelty and corruption of Saddam's regime," said Mr Bush.
He said Iraqis' "daily life is improving" with more widespread electricity, a stable currency, schools and clinics renovated and reopened and basic infrastructure being rebuilt.
But the president also said: "On the ground in Iraq, we have serious and continuing challenges.
"Illegal militias and remnants of the regime, joined by foreign terrorists, are trying to take by force the power they could never gain by the ballot. These groups have found little support among the Iraqi people."
He said the US-led coalition would "ensure an atmosphere of security" for the handover of limited power on June 30.
"Our coalition supports the efforts of local Iraqis to negotiate the disarmament of the radicals in Fallujah. We've also made it clear that militias in Najaf and elsewhere must disarm or face grave consequences.
"American and coalition forces are in place, and we are prepared to enforce order in Iraq."
He said the transfer of power, which is being worked out by UN special envoy Lakhdar Brahimi, was the second element of the US strategy.
"As the transfer of sovereignty approaches on June 30th, we are likely to see more violence from groups opposed to freedom.
"We will not be intimidated or diverted. On July 1st, and beyond, our reconstruction and military commitment will continue."
Without mentioning the heavy toll suffered in April, which was more than the 109 troops killed during the invasion, Mr Bush said that US forces were "sacrificing greatly".
"Families of the brave troops who have fallen must know that their loss is not in vain. We will finish our work in Iraq, because the stakes for our country and the world are high.
"The failure of Iraqi democracy would embolden terrorists around the globe, increase dangers to the American people, and extinguish the hopes of millions in the Middle East.
"The success of Iraqi democracy would send forth the news, from Damascus to Tehran, that freedom can be the future of every nation."
-http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au

yeah. Decide. Choice. yay.

and you're just
fashionably intelligent
fashionably elegant
fashionably rude and insincere
fashionably tacky
fashionably childlike, and i hear
theres a genuine streak of goodness in you.
throw in quasi-pseudo, just to be
on the safe side of you.
yes, but id rather be inside of you and you
understand this, i fear.
and wouldnt it be wonderful to bite your skin
oh wouldnt you
wouldnt you let me in-
side your skull?
wouldnt you rather i fingerpick your nylon nerves to shreds
somewhere deep inside do you dread that you
might just enjoy yourself?
and youre just
fashionably calm
politically incorrect
fashionably on the verge of indecency, desperate.
mythology must mean alot to you
choking, clinging
god, i love you.
fashionably straight.

hahahahahahahaha.....

my first Pink Floyd lyrics. there's a story. tell you someday...

through the fish eyed lens of tear stained eyes
i can barely define the shape of this moment in time
and far from flying high in clear blue skies
i'm spiralling down to the hole in the ground where i hide
if you negotiate the minefield in the drive
and beat the dogs and cheat the cold electronic eyes
and if you make it past the shotgun in the hall
dial the combination. open the priesthole
and if i'm in i'll tell you what's behind the wall
there's a kid who had a big hallucination
making love to girls in magazines
he wonders if you're sleeping with your new found faith
could anybody love him
or is it just a crazy dream
and if i show you my dark side
will you still hold me tonight
and if i open my heart to you
and show you my weak side
what would you do
would you sell your story to rolling stone
would you take the children away
and leave me alone
and smile in reassurance
as you whisper down the phone
would you send me packing
or would you take me home
thought i oughta bare my naked feelings
thought i oughta tear the curtain down
i held the blade in trembling hands
prepared to make it but just then the phone rang
i never had the nerve
to make the final cut.

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain...
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rain?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk-on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?


How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

i will always return to you.
your name is whispered on the notes of
songs we sang together, in absence.
i will always return to you,
sans fear, guilt, secrecy
your heart being my dark
secret room
tired, endless escape into your lungs
swim smoothly through your veins
fall asleep in the gentle rise
and fall of your chest
you'd carry me around even if
you could barely carry yourself.
and it asks no return,
except all that i give and it
speaks no strange befuddling language of the eyes and the tongue
it just sits, close, warm, compassionate:
beating gently, whispering like trees in the sunshine
this deep, common dialect
of our lives.

-anon, discovered on blather

Part of Your World, Little Mermaid

Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Lookin' around here you'd think
Sure, she's got everything

I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I got twenty
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see
Wanna see 'em dancin'
Walkin' around on those
Whad'ya call 'em? Oh - feet
Flippin' your fins you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumpin', dancin'
Strollin' along down a
What's that word again?
Street

Up where they walk
Up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free
Wish I could be
Part of that world

What would I give
If I could live
Outta these waters?
What would I pay
To spend a day
Warm on the sand?
Betcha on land
They understand
Bet they don't reprimand their daughters

Bright young women
Sick o' swimmin'
Ready to stand...

And ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions
And get some answers
What's a fire and why does it
What's the word?

Burn

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love
Love to explore that shore up above?

Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world....

in between the usual drivel of positivism and proactivity... the softest, strayest desires for something better... a wisp of a wish, like "far off carnival music", as tenessee williams would put it. like a cool little breeze... and you were so sure all the doors and windows were sealed.

The Laurel and Hardy Love Affair by Ray Bradbury
"Now," she said, "I'm heading for the door. We are very special, wondrous people, Ollie, and I don't think our like will ever come again in the world. But I must go. And now," she reached out. "My hand is on the door and..."
"And," he said, quietly.
"I'm crying," she said.
He started to get up but she shook her head.
"No, don't. If you touch me I'll cave in. I'm going. But once a year I'll show up at our flight of steps, no piano, same hour, same time as that night when we first went there, and if you're there to meet me I'll kidnap you, or you me."
"Stan," he said.
"My God," she mourned.
"What?"
"This door is heavy. I can't move it." She wept. "There. It's moving. There." She wept more. "I'm gone."
The door shut.

....

The Dot and the Line by Norton Juster
"Once upon a time there was a sensible straight line who was hopelessly in love with a dot. 'You're the beginning and the end, the hub, the core and the quintessence,' he told her tenderly, but the frivolous dot wasn't a bit interested, for she only had eyes for a wild and unkept squiggle who never seemed to have anything on his mind at all."

....

One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
"...A short time later, when the carpenter was taking measurements for the coffin, through the window they saw a light rain of tiny yellow flowers falling. They fell on the town all through the night in a silent storm, and they covered the roofs and blocked the doors and smothered the animals who dept outdoors. So many flowers fell from the sky that in the morning the streets were carpeted with a compact cushion and they had to clear them away with shovels and rakes so that the funeral procession could pass by."

The fifty buck joyless
cold lemonade and a battered
old textbook will do.
And I'll have a side serving of
life, with that, thank you.
Carry spare change, carry lots
of distractions that you can
reach into a sack and pull out of.
Building close ties with all the
people inside my head-
head on, bouncing, beautiful,
joyless.
Satiation, it seems
is too much effort.
Perpetual hunger will keep you on your feet
pushing, stretching, aspiring
to make it through, make it through.

I worship the clock.
But this class isn't over yet.
(can you whisper nicotine and crawl into my veins?)
I have the blueprints here, if you want to
make your machine and fly away.

My world twitches, manically,
As if electrocuted.
(Dragonflies skim the surface of the pond
but only long enough to outstrip their
reflections.)
I digress. The glass sweats.

Im going to smile for you, now, and i want
you to take a picture of me.

for you, and the childhood together that we never had, but remember anyway.

2 little whos
(he and she)
under are this
wonderful tree

smiling stand
(all realms of where
and when beyond)
now and here

(far from a grown
-up i &you-
ful world of known)
who and who

(2 little ams
and over them this
aflame with dreams
incredible is)

-e e cummings

large gaps in my heart are slowly filled with the
silent whooshing of a breath of warm air. dull aching fingers
rest heavily on your tired skin. we reach out between the lines and bars and sonnets of
human verse
smile through screens of blue white light.
and i pause, two inches from completely giving in to you.

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suit on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life.

But why would I want to do a thing like that?

-Trainspotting

its like watching a foreign film, or a silent movie. i can understand each word on its own, but strung together like... alleles, on a chromosome... they just seem to go on and on making no sense. im not really paying attention. something pulls me towards fear as if it were a dark, bottomless well and the minute im standing over it im sick with vertigo... suddenly weightless, suddenly... panicked. panic. panic. fear. fear.

so that they will recognize my eyes
in a crowd, so that
they dont run away, turn around
so that you remind me of who i am
two strangers in a strange land
and tounges stutter words unfamiliar
cities built stone by painful stone
and hearts beat stronger
standing still, moving closer to home
here, within the cusp of light between your hand and mine,
between the naked feet that run, laughing, side by side
under the melting heat of skin, in the sun dappled shadow of a grin
a thousand pinpoints of light dance on the water as
fluid fishnets of the sun swim...

you are

everything i love.
tied up, enshrined as gently as a
monarch's wing
this secret, faded old wooden box
of wishes,
and whipers,
and wonderings...

the water fountain
three stories up is
always exactly
the right temperature you need to cool
the burnt sores on the tip
of your tongue.

outside, again, twenty minutes later this time
in looser pants, in softer slippers
beyond the frosted door
i notice its not so cold,
so cold anymore.
past chokidaar drooping over glowing coals
never stopped to greet him before
and im suddenly
not thinking about anything in particular
anymore
alseep, in the chair,
bent over, sitting there thats not
its not fair, somehow..
past lovers linked in their silent
soft talk, statues of flesh and bone
and if the world had a lover she too would
live on love alone...
devdaas couldve have been so much better, suddenly
aesthetic erotica, romanticised
invaded by alienation-
we're all just stupid painted a shade of wise
we're all just colourblind idiots in disguise
walking out into the not-cold night air
in my chappals, past the people
swimming there
through the haunted stillness of silent rain
past the snores of tired sleepers
the lovers and the gatekeepers
glittering earth, glistening creepers
beneath my heavy step:
my ghost will lead my shadow
across the cobbled floor-
its not so cold,
(i notice)
now,
not so cold
anymore.

Beyond the door,
There's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven.

'Cause I know I don't belong... Here in heaven.

-Eric Clapton, Tears in Heaven