smokerings

my throat is killing me, i can feel my lungs rasping, i cant breathe. white guilt.
at 4 pm i was lying on anita's bed, on the pretty colourful bedspread with the warm sunlight streaming in through my window, the postcards twirling in the soft whooshing fan-air, the pc playing something nice and soothing... thinking how lucky i am, to have this sun in my eyes, this warm, safe bed, to have enough food security to be able to go without it from sunrise to sunset. my biological cycle is sound, i am fairly healthy, in ten years i will have a stable job, healthy children and a secure future. and that is privilege.

dad might be going to AK and/or Abbotabad. that shook me, more than anything.. it takes a lot to tear my father away from his work, steady job, family-first... to go to a remote area, help people who are neither kith nor kin, just help because.. i dont know. why do we? because it means something? because this place is home?

i feel sorry for people in the US right now. im getting frustrated in my bubble, and im in LUMS, lahore. u guys over there must be killing yourself over this... i find it hard to go out and have a good time, watch a movie, just spend a little time laughing with friends... how the heck are you guys keeping up over there? it must all seem so shallow and meaningless...

spent some time talking to sara z ... its almost serendipity that i met her when i did, i was in really bad shape. ironically, the pressure-release model has some truth.. we were sitting on a freaking time bomb here... the disconnect, the apathy, elitism... and we just sat there for half an hour wondering... why dont more people give a fuck? why is life going on? stop it, now... clear up this mess, this freaking crisis you've created. people tell me about lootings, hoardings, profiteering so nonchalantly im wondering... doesnt it bother you? you're just saying it as if... "oh well, that was going to happen".. all i need now is someone to tell me- this is the Third World. deal with it.

ill tell you one thing, ladies. for all you assholes out there who are sitting and pointing fingers. its naive to not know about something. it is not naive to want to change something. that takes fucking guts, fuckloads of courage.. courage that you and i will never fucking have, not in a million years, because thats how flabby our elite white asses are. for gods sake, have some shame, if you dont have the balls to stick your neck out, put your ass on the line, to just try.... at least, at the very least, respect those who do.